Saturday, September 29, 2012

Anatomy of Shoehalic

I love shoes. I love collecting shoes. They make me feel  better. They  fill out this emptiness that I would experience from time to time. They're my stress reliever. Give me a new pair anytime and it would immediately lift my morale. Shoes and I share a special kind of bond, a bond that no one can ever break.


To date, I  have about 24 pairs. But since my big toe was murdered some months ago, I so got used to thong shoes that I now forgot to wear any other type. The pumps, open-toes, and other types of shoes I have collected are either withering under my office table or crying silently in my closet at home. I would  try a pair now and then. And after a few minutes of excruciating pain, I would change back to flip-flops or sandals.

Yes, some people have some issues. I have shoes.

By the way, sketch above is Blahnik's. One day, when I win the lotto, I will have Manolo design me my own customized pretty shoes. Yay!







Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Other Side of Snow White ( Fairy Tales Part 2)

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
~ Maroon 5

So you think you know Snow White, huh? Were your little hearts broken when the wicked step-mother sent out the woodcutter to kill pretty girl Snow White in the forest? Do you remember ever getting scared when the wicked step-mom, disguised as a witch, poisoned her with an apple?

Touche!

ACT 2, SCENE 1

The lights are out. Everybody's sleeping, save for the girl who is pacing back and forth in front of the huge mirror.

SNOW WHITE: [Curious]
So tell me, Mirror. What exactly did you tell my step-mother?

MIRROR: [Pretends to be having a cough fit]
[To himself] Women,  why are they so fond of confrontations?
[To Snow White]  She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

SNOW WHITE: [Mildly upset]
You're freaking kidding me, right? She gets Botox every month. She gets a boob job every three months. And she even had her lips sculpted like Brangelina's! She's like, she spends millions of dollars to look like that cougar, Joan Collins. And you tell her she's the most beautiful woman in the world? Tell me, what flavor of stupid are you?

MIRROR: [Begins to tremble in fear]
But Snow White... she sponsored my son to Harvard. I have to patronize her.

SNOW WHITE: [Very very upset]
Well, if that's the case...

[Runs to the kitchen to fetch something. Comes back after a few seconds]

SNOW WHITE: [Smiles sweetly while brandishing a dagger on Mirror's face]
How about I break your balls if you don't tell my step-mom that I am the most beautiful woman in the world?

MIRROR: [Suddenly experiences a schizophrenic attack]
Ma'am, yes ma'am! Right away, ma'am. Whatever you say you, you royal fierceness! You piece of magnificent star, shining above the human race. You flower of the Nile, blossoming every night. You...

SNOW WHITE: [Giggles]
Aww... you stop it now. No need to wax poetry, ya know. OK fine! I'll save the ball breaking some other time. Don't forget what you have to say the next time Step-Mom asks you.

MIRROR: [Pees in his pants] 
(Editor  - Do mirror wear pants?)
Yes, your royal fabulousness.

[Snow White licks Mirror before she goes out. Mirror shivers]

ACT 2, SCENE 2

Joan Collins, err, Wicked step-mom goes to the Mirror room, curtsies before the Mirror, clears her throat

STEP-MOM:
[Looking royally hot with the magenta cocktail ball gown designed by Vera Wang] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?

MIRROR: [Coughs]
Your royal highness, I have something to tell you.

STEP-MOM: [Checks out her newly renovated tush]
Save your breath honey, I wanna hear the magic words first!

MIRROR: [Coughs deliriously]
But I really need to tell you something Madame.

STEP-MOM: [Stops checking her tush]
Mother F! Hello! The magic words first!

MIRROR: [Sighs heavily]
Cinderella is the prettiest girl in the world.

STEP-MOM: [Nose flaring]
Who the hell is Cinderella?

MIRROR: [Very confused]
I am so sorry, Madam. I don't do well under pressure. I get confused now and then, you know. Could you please ask me again?

STEP-MOM: [Smiles an eenie-weenie bit. Botox makes it difficult to smile wide] 

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?

MIRROR: [Totally depressed, contemplating suicide as he speaks]
Snow White is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.

STEP-MOM: [Raises eyebrow a little. Botox makes it difficult to raise eyebrows]
You're not serious, are you?

MIRROR: [Resigned to his fate]
Mirrors do not tell a lie, your royal highness.

STEP-MOM: 
[Runs to a corner, curls up in a fetal position, and shouts profanities at the Mirror. After a few seconds, she runs back to the Mirror looking like an escapee from a nearby asylum]

You ungrateful piece of glass!!! I hate you!!!

[Step-mom throws Mirror out of her chamber. Mirror lands safely on the top of a garbage truck. He would soon be  reunited with the son who would finish doctor of philosophy in Forensic Aesthesiology from Harvard. Said son would marry the girl who would find the Mirror in a thrift store]


To be continued...



all rights reserved © mj navida 13may2010



Fairy Tales Are Full of S#^T (Part 1)


If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of shit
One more fuckin' love song I'll be sick
~ Maroon 5


Korean boss commissioned me to create playlets for the new fairy tale hand puppets the third graders will be using this semester. Demanded that I make the dialogues very interesting.

Yeah, sure Boss! Consider that done! 


ACT 1, SCENE 1

CINDERELLA checks herself in the MIRROR. SNOW WHITE eyes  her enviously. It's a known fact that they have history. 


[SLEEPING BEAUTY dozes off in the corner]

CINDERELLA: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the hottest of them all?

MIRROR: [Completely astounded at such atrocious language, chokes himself]
Water. I need water.

SNOW WHITE: [While giving Mirror a Heimlich Maneuver]
You know Cindee, that pale blue gown is so not you.

CINDERELLA: [Totally annoyed]
Really now. Coming from someone who hangs out with midgets, that faux haute couture critique is so ignored.

SNOW WHITE: [Equally annoyed]
My friends are dwarfs! Not midgets! And quit the attitude! I know you're sleeping with the palace guards!

CINDERELLA: [Sarcastically]
Oh you gossip monger! Like you don't have any filthy little secret, huh?!

SNOW WHITE: [Getting whiter by the minute with anger]
What secret?!!! You social climbing ho!!! You should be ashamed of yourself!!!

CINDERELLA: [Totally losing it]
Don't talk to me like that, Ms. Purity! The whole town knows your affair with the Wood Cutter. Shesshhh! Wood cuttah lovah!

[Before Snow White could strike Cinderella with a hair iron, Sleeping Beauty wakes up]

SLEEPING BEAUTY: [Yawns]
What's with the noise? Someone's trying to sleep here.

CINDERELLA: [Pissed]
Go back to sleep Aurora and don't ever wake up again!

SNOWHITE: [Completely amused now]
And while you're at it, gargle with Pinesol. The last prince who kissed you said your mouth reeks of sewage.

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE: [In total disgust]
Ewwwwwww!!!

SLEEPING BEAUTY: [Falls asleep again]

Commotion by the door, Rapunzel comes in, panting

RAPUNZEL: [Disheveled]
Ladies, can you please do my dreadlocks? I have a party to attend tonight and Mother Gothel is sick.

SNOW WHITE: [Eyes glitters with madness]
Why don't I give you a mohawk instead? You need an edgy look, babe.

CINDERELLA: [Excited]
Yeah! Your do is so like last century. Let's give her a Grace Jones look!

Rapunzel scrambles to her feet, runs for dear hair, shoving Princess Fiona aside by the doorway

PRINCESS FIONA: [Bewildered]
What happened to Rapunzel?

CINDERELLA: [Gets annoyed again at the sight of Fiona]
What do you want, Ogress?

FIONA: [Ignores Cinderella's acerbic tone]
I'm looking for my husband, Shrek?

SNOW WHITE: [Sarcastically]
Why search in my castle? Go to that Sher something something forest. He must be drinking with that drunkard Robin again.

CINDERELLA: [Chimes in merrily]
And everyone's wondering why Shrek's tummy is getting bigger? It can't be those fetus Shreks, can't it?

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA:
[Princesses roll on the floor laughing. Cinderella gives Snow White a high-five]

[Fiona exits silently, muttering something to herself]

FIONA: Bitches. At least my Shrek is a real man. I wonder if those two madwomen know their husbands are sleeping together? Flaming fags. Skanky hoes. What is this world coming to?

[Fiona shakes her head violently all the way to Sherwood forest, where she would catch Shrek making out with Robin Hood.]

THE END.

No kid is ever allowed to read this.





all rights reserved © mj navida 4 may 2010


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It's More Fun in Korea?

My boss' wife wants to learn Korean. And because I don't really have time to tutor her, I decided to browse online and find her an online tutorial class.

I chanced upon Korea's Official Tourist Guide (here). While browsing the site, I felt this sudden sadness, like going through the pages made me feel like I am searching for something that used to be a part of me. The pictures of the parks I used to visit brought back a lot of memories - happy and sad - and it felt like it all happened a long time ago.

I have separation anxiety. I know.

photo from http://www.annietown.com/