Winning the Battle Even Before the Battle Starts

I decided to write down the ordeal I went through for the last three months that I may remember in the future how bravely I won a battle even before the battle started.

It all started with heavy bleeding back in December 2011. Since then, I would bleed excessively (more than 10 days) that it became normal to consume at least 30 to 40 pads monthly. I would even joke around that Modess should give me a share in their company.

When I first decided to see an OB a year ago due to the incessant prodding of a coworker (bless her thoughtful heart), I was told that it's just part of the pre-menopausal syndrome or am just stressed at work. I was given iron supplements and that was it. And I was told to relax, chill, take a vacation, etc. Yeah, right. 

The annual executive check up didn't show anything alarming either. I thought I was OK. 

However, last May, the heavy bleeding came with abdominal pain with a massive headache to boot. I cannot concentrate at work. I have become more irritable than ever. I would only sleep for about 3 hours every day. I was agitated and started to lose focus. 

I got scared. Very scared. And I told no one. 

For some time, I got used to the headache that I would dismiss it as "too-much-work-too-much-stress-condition" or something like that. Little did I know that constant health negligence could have resulted in the big C had I not done anything about it. 

To cut the story short, I went to see another OB, and another OB, and had a series of tests and procedures. 

I have been in and out of the hospital for the last three months. It was exhausting - mentally, emotionally, physically and not to mention, financially. 

But when faced with the ultimate choice between having my reproductive organ removed or suffer the consequences of going through more extensive procedures every three months to manage the condition,  I decided to have a TAHBSO instead. The bad cells are on its early stage and removal of the entire reproductive organ will ensure that C is not going to crawl its way into my system. 

But before the procedure...

I cannot count  the number of times I cried over the last three months wondering what stage my cancer is. Will I die next month? Will this pain ever end? And so on and so forth. It was exasperating. While some people thought I was having a grand vacation, little did anyone know that I go through each day wondering what the doctors will find out this time. Or how many days, months, or year I have left in this world. I was flooded with so much negativity I hated myself. 

Worse, the challenge came with staying positive to avoid agitating the family. I have to put up a brave face. I had to be strong. Not for my sake, but for their sake. It wasn't so easy. Like hello. I was ready to break down any minute. 

But the battle is over. 

I may not be able to reproduce another mini deity anymore, but hey, this means I get to enjoy being with family and friends for a long long long time. 

Ladies, if you notice that something is wrong with your body, be it insignificant or trivial, go see a doctor right away. Insist on having tests. Talk to doctors. Get more opinion. The more the merrier. As I've said before, if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will do that for you.  

As Justin Bieber once said, "Love yourself".

Sad To Belong To Someone

So I'll live my life in a dream world,

For the rest of my days.

Just you and me walking hand in hand,

Is a wishful memory...

Oh, I guess it's all that it will ever be...

~ England Dan & John Ford

You ever liked someone who’s already taken (married, engaged, committed, etc.)? And you so like this person, you can only admire him from the distance, because he can never know that you like him. 

Have you ever liked someone so much you're dying to send him a message to say hello or just ask how his day is going, but you can't, because you just can't?

Have you ever liked someone so so much that his mere hug meant the world to you? 

Ang OA ko. Promise. At Frencheska Far ang peg ko according to Dani Hernandez author of Ang Maglandi Ay Di Biro. Promise, mahal ko na si Dani. Sobrang relate ako sa book niya.

I am too old to have crushes, but as one of my friends pointed out, it’s never too late to blush, gush or even have crushes... that as long as we have feelings we will always admire or crush on someone. 

And who knows this admiration might blossom into something real, tangible, or forever. Sigh.

But in my case, there's no way this is going anywhere. This crush lives on the other side of the planet and is very taken.

So what do I do?

I really have no idea. I guess, I will just sit here in my little corner of the universe and hope to the stars that this infatuation dies out soon.

I am too old for heartaches. 

Pero babalik daw sha ulet. 

Anubayan! 

#MeForever #UmasaTayo #MeHimala

Summer Is Definitely Here

The scorching heat tells us Filipinos that summer is definitely here.

For the beach bums, it's time to prep the abs, get bikini wax, new swimming outfit, planning the vacation getaway, etc...

For workaholics like me, it means early sunrise, which translates to you-gotta-wake-up-and-commute-now-before-it-gets-too-hot-outside and you-can't-wear-those-lil-black-dress-lest-you-want-to-have-a-series-of-hot-flushes. The choices I have.

There might be some plans coming along. And hopefully, no spoiler to ruin them. You know those people. It's like, other people are not meant to have a good time. It's like about them all the time.

Oh well.

On another note, I should be dieting soon. Lest I want to be like one of those blue-whale shark (butanding), sure. I need to eat less. And when I say less, one slice of cake and pizza a day should suffice. Sigh.

This is my dream spot this summer. Wish I could go. Am sure my folks and son would love it there.

 

Where is yours? 

All I Really Need to Know I Learned While Growing Up

Live a balanced life - learn some 
and think some and draw and 
paint and sing and dance and 

play and work every day some.

~Robert Fulghum

In a few months from now I will be another year older... but wiser. So far,  here are some of the things I learned:

1. You can't please everyone.
 
Of course. You were NOT born to please anyone in the first place. Those things your parents said when you were young, like, you have to be nice and sweet when the relatives come over? Those are just for the sake of having good manners (so that parents wouldn't look bad). 

You don't really have to be nice all the time. You don't really have to agree with everyone. You are free to stand up and say NO or smack people on the head if they deserve it. 

Baby Denise has so much wisdom.

The only person you should please is your boss, who pays your salary. Not up to pleasing the boss? Leave. Find another job. Chances are, with the new job, you still need to please the new boss. Well, you can always leave again. And again. And again. Yeah. Keep doing that until you realize it's better to be your own boss. But then again when you're the boss, you have to please the clients...You see, it's a vicious cycle my friend.

2. Never expect anything in return.

You help. Good. Happy for you. Good karma and blessings to pour your way everyday. But expecting people to do the same and feeling disappointed if they don't? Really? It's that how you want it? Suck it up. You helped. Period. If they pay you back in return, good for them, good for you. If not, charge it to experience. At least, good karma and blessings will still pour your way everyday.

3. Regret always comes in the end. 
 
You done things. You decided to. No one forced you. And now you're regretting everything? Really? What for? Grow up. Suck it up. That's life. 

The choice was yours and yours alone. Did anyone point a .45 to your head? Chances are, you did those things because you want to. What's the whole point of pointing fingers, blaming others, regretting what could've been, should've been, would've been...?

4. Don't expect too much from people.    

This is like #2, but I want to make a point here, so listen. You are bound to disappoint yourself if you expect too much from others. People screw up. It's their nature. Our nature. We're humans. We're weak. We're not gods and goddesses from Mt. Olympus. (Hey, even gods are weak. Look at Zeus! He has kids with different mortals).

Get over it. Forgive. Forget. Move on.

5. Life is a stage and we're all actors.

Shakespeare forgot to mention that other than being actors, we're also the choreographer, director and scriptwriter of our lives. We don't like the script, we rewrite. We don't like the way things are going, we change plot. It's as simple as like that. You direct your life. Not other people. Stop the blame. Stop the hating. Sure, the next girl sitting beside you has a really bad hair. You can always switch seats or you can look the other way. You have choices. You can also push her out of the bus if you want.  Life is what we make it. It's all about making choices.

Aren't babies the luckiest creatures on earth? 

They don't know anything about choices...

Sigh. Why did we ever grow up and get old?

 

The Year That Was...

So, this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun

~ John Lennon

A lot of people on FB and Instagram have this picture collage of their most memorable moments of 2013. I couldn't make any. I have lots of photos taken, sure, but there is so much that I don't know how to put them all together.

The photo's not awesome, but the write-up is good. I think. 

Other than pictures, I have in my head a compilation of everything great that happened in 2013. I am not going to bore you with the details, just know that 2013 has been awesome.

OK. Fine, here they are:

January: What did I do in January? I can't remember!

February: I can't remember again! 

March: I was featured in Hotjobs. Centerfold, baby! 

With pretty pressies from friends

April: Oh my birthday! I didn't do anything fab! We had this company contest and I didn't win. Oh well... 

May: Summer is almost over and I haven't seen the ocean for some time and was planning to go, but work got in the way.

June: I didn't get married. And some people that I really like left the company. Sad. 

July: My team is finally back in one shift. We were split into day and evening shifts in August 2012. The horror of commuting home at 2 am! OMG! So happy! Woot! Woot!

August: Son got sick. Almost dengue, but thank God he got better. I spent 4 days in the hospital with him. Scariest days of my life.

September: Went by so fast, I didn't even notice.

The Truelogic Awesome Peeps

October: Company outing and Halloween party, Mamu's birthday, and the visit to Angela!

November: What did I do last November? November rain is what happened. Yolanda. Devastated lives. Our relatives including. Good thing that nothing really bad happened to my mom's siblings and their families. God is good!

December: Got awarded with a fab set of purse and wallet and a trophy that says I'm a Game Changer. How cool is that? Then, Papu's birthday celebration and the Hobbit movie. Met up with good college friends and their loved ones. And the holidays came and went just like that.

Here with Denis Ayeng (One of my mentors! Yay)

I have no new year's resolution. I resolved years ago not to make one because I always end up not following them anyway. A complete waste of time if I may say. Writing your new year's resolution doesn't happen overnight. Hello. It takes time and effort and will power.

I am not good with will power. In fact, I don't have one. I'm a spontaneous person.

My team in Oyster Bar. 12.20.2013 with our CEO

I will continue my fairy tale saga and sell the plot to SNL or whoever is interested. Who knows, I might even find someone filthy rich to marry me.

We don't know what the future holds.

Blood and the Stuff People Ask

Went to MMC last Monday after vomiting blood and feeling nausea.

The visit turned out to be a series of extraneous lab tests, check-ups, etc. I was diagnosed to have high blood. X-ray showed clear lungs, but doctors are wondering why I vomit blood. Endoscopy is also negative. Results for other lab tests will come out in 2 days.

Hospitals are boring. But the staff are entertaining.

At a cardio's clinic, the secrertary/nurse asked if I was there for a consultation. No! I want a McCheeseBurger and a double espresso! Jeez. 

At the lab for the first series of blood test: Nurse asked if it hurts (while she takes vials of blood samples from my arm). No! It feels so good! Do  that again!!! Drain my blood now!!! 

Went to the hospital pharmacy and presented prescription list of initial medication. The pharmacist asked if I'm going to buy meds. No. I'm going to buy ammo. One more stupid question and am going to start shooting people. 

This morning, I went back to the lab for another round of test. After presenting my papers, the staff was like, so this is your Day 2 for sputum test, ma'am? No. this is my 100th day! See, look at my papers, read what it says there. It's written in bold black ink - DAY 2! 

But karma's a bitch and it does bitch. 

Before proceeding to the Heart Lab, I need to have my HMO papers approved. Turned out HMO office is closed because it's a national holiday today. I blurted out loud: Oh, they're closed! Damn! 

The cleaning person nearby heard me and retorted snottily: Yeah, it's obviously closed. The lights are off. And the doors are locked. 

Doh! Bitch. 

It's a good thing I promise to be nice this week.

Just this week... 

Anatomy of a Shoehalic

I love shoes. I love collecting shoes. They make me feel  better. They  fill out this emptiness that I would experience from time to time. They're my stress reliever. Give me a new pair anytime and it would immediately lift my morale. Shoes and I share a special kind of bond, a bond that no one can ever break.

To date, I  have about 24 pairs. But since my big toe was murdered some months ago, I so got used to thong shoes that I now forgot to wear any other type. The pumps, open-toes, and other types of shoes I have collected are either withering under my office table or crying silently in my closet at home. I would  try a pair now and then. And after a few minutes of excruciating pain, I would change back to flip-flops or sandals.

Yes, some people have some issues. I have shoes.

By the way, sketch above is Blahnik's. One day, when I win the lotto, I will have Manolo design me my own customized pretty shoes. Yay!

A Little Something About Me

Born some summer years ago, The Wandering Deity is your classic example of a lady with multiple moods, mostly wandering moods, hence, the moniker.

After obtaining her bachelor’s degree in Secondary Education (with major in English), the Wandering Deity opted to join the dog eat dog race of the corporate world. For almost 12 years, she held various positions in the Human Resources, Publications, Training, Legal, and Administrative Management divisions of several multinational firms in Makati City, Philippines.

An adventurous kindred that she is, the monotonous life of corporate realm made her realize that she is missing some big challenges in life- a break actually. Thus, upon getting an invitation from a dear friend to teach in Korea, the Deity packed her bag, abandoned her desire to continue the climb to the corporate ladder and conquered Korea with gusto.

And boy oh boy, was it fun! The challenge of the academic life, the one thing that she has forsaken all these years hit her with such impact that on her first few months here in Korea, she could barely breathe to cope with the thrill of actually practicing what she had learned back in college.

But then again, despite the academic marathon, the nagging pursuit for something else persisted- the passion for beautiful things and everything nice. It's a great thing that Korea has such an abundant supply of boutiques and malls and markets where you can grab fabulous shrilly stuff in such discounted prices (only if you know how to haggle well).

The Deity, being a fashion enthusiast herself since time immemorial finds the Korea shopping experience essentially exhilarating, as such she was enticed to share such empiricism to fulfill another passion-writing.

As such, the Deity, from this day onward, will write just about anything under the sun that amuses her, not just about the latest vogue though, mind you.

As her quest for the authentic meaning of life and genuine leather earring is yet to be satiated, she will take time browsing all shopping corners around metro Korea and at the same time share pieces of rambling about anything: fashion to boys/girls; skincare to heartaches; beauty tips to dating; and just about the classic human confusions.