What Happens if Elsa Face Off with Moana?

I wrote this during one of those really long commute sometime last December. When you travel for more than 4 hours daily you gotta find something creative to do. Otherwise, you may end up murdering your co-commuters out of boredom.  

Disclaimer: This blog is not meant to harm anyone from Disney nor discredit any of its wholesome movie characters. This blog is not meant to be read by anyone under 13 either. Parental guidance is advised. 

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In the vast sitting room of Arandelle, Elsa is seen contemplating.

Elsa: [talking to herself] What do I do now that Frozen 2 got that low rating in IMDB? What the flackers do these people want from us? I mean hello, it's not easy to beat the hell out of those  Ahtohallan spirits. Come on, people!

[Loud knock at the door]

Guard: [clears throat] Your Majesty, a girl named Moana from the Island of  Motunui, is here to see you.

Elsa: [thinks out loud] Who the fook is Moana?

Guard: [startled] I'm sorry, Your Majesty? I have no idea either who Moana is. Are you free to see her? 

Elsa: [regained her composure and spoke sweetly as she's expected to] Oh please let her in! 

[Moana enters, bowing to Queen Elsa]

Your highness, I am here to seek your help.

Elsa: Moana! I so Googled you and I found out that you have the power to talk to the waters. Why! We have so much in common! Come here! Sit down!

Moana: I am not here to chat with you. I am here to talk to you about my island.

Elsa: Excuse me! Why are we so bitchy already? What do you want?

Moana: Leave my island alone! We read your tweet and you're planning to freeze the Polynesian Islands! Is that because your movie flopped?!

Elsa: [now totally upset] Wait, what?! WTF! Frozen 2 is not a flop! Some people are just being...

Moana: [cutting Elsa off] You haven't been reading what people are writing on Reddit!

Elsa: People on Reddit are morons! Pretentious cowards hiding under pseudonyms! Their ratings don't count!

Moana: Just admit it, your movie flopped and you're not going to freeze the Polynesian islands!

Elsa: [laughs her brains out] Oh is that what you're thinking? Are you so obsessed with the first movie that you're stalking me online, even getting the help of the dark web to ruin my reputation?

Moana: [exasperated] You crazy bitch with your crazy eyes! Please! Get a life! I am here to talk to you nicely and here you are acting like a psycho!

Elsa: [being bipolar is difficult, she couldn't decide to be nice or to freeze Moana right there and then] Ok, Moana, let's start all over again. What can I do for you?

Moana: [being passive-aggressive isn't her thing so she went on a full beast mode] I am here to wage a war if you continue your plans of freezing my island.

Elsa: Hello. Haven't you been reading social media etiquette? You're not supposed to take everything seriously!

Moana: Etiquette my friggin ass! You aren't supposed to post stuff that harms the well being of islanders!

Elsa: Hahhaha! Do you guys have Twitter? Like seriously? Are you following me? No? Or are you just stalking me? Come on now! That's just a joke!

Moana: Joke or not, you're not supposed to post that!

Elsa: OK. Fine! Where's Maui?

Moana: Why do you need Maui?

Elsa: So I could freeze you both!

Moana: [throws her spear to the nearby sofa] The next thing that spear will hit is your head.

Elsa: Lemme just freeze that spear now!

[Maui suddenly appeared out of nowhere]

Maui: [acting cool and all] OK, What are you two bitches up to?

Moana: Elsa is going to freeze our island!

Maui: For real? Hey Elsa, nice to meet you! Love your DP, btw. So cool!

Elsa: Hey! Look what we have here! Another stalker!

Maui: Take back what you said or I will send tidal waves to Arendelle!

Elsa: [dials her phone] Anna? Anna! Please bring my meds here! There are two psychos here threatening my life!

Maui and Moana poised themselves for a battle when they heard a loud crash.

[Anna came in with Elsa's prescription meds on her hand, iPad on the other, with Sven in tow who is obviously watching something on his iPad]

[her eyes widened when she saw Moana and Maui] 

Anna: Daebak! Omo! Omo! Is that you Moana and Maui?! Daebak! 

[she tried to hide her excitement when she saw her sister's crazy eyes] 

Anna: Sorry sister, I was watching Crash Landing on YouTube and I couldn't get here in time so I asked Sven to bring the meds here instead but he too is hooked on CLY.

Elsa: [totally exasperated and glared at Anna and Sven. shifted her icy glare on Maui and Moana] OK, That's it! You two get out of my palace!

Moana and Maui: But we're not done with you!

Elsa: You either leave now or am going to tie you both and make you watch that CLY drama or whatever those two fools are watching until your eyes bleed!

Moana and Maui: Is it a good KPop drama?

Anna and Sven: Yessssssssss! We're hooked! Y'all gonna love Captain Ri!

Moana and Maui: You have popcorn and soda?

Anna: We also have kimchi!

Moana and Maui: Yay! Let's go!

Elsa: Wait! You bitches aren't leaving me just like that! 

Moana, Maui, Anna, and Sven: Oh, yes we can!

Elsa: [really furious] You leave me here, hell will freeze over!

Anna: Why don't you just follow Hyun Bin on Twitter while we watch? Find @withhyunbin! Ta ta, sister!

Elsa: [already busily searching for Hyun Bin on Twitter and when she finds it gleefully screamed and continued to browse through his tweets, forgetting about Moana,  the Polynesian Island, Maui, and her KDrama diehard sister, Anna]

We will continue next time.

Will Smith is the Legend

Yesterday, as planned, I had the irritating tooth fixed, a haircut and at the last minute, decided to give CGV Yongsan, my favorite place in the whole Korea, a visit. I saw a crowd gathered in the cinema lobby so I squeezed myself towards the center and was thrilled that there's an on-going promo for I Am Legend . I thought it was ultra cool since it's gonna be on Imax, a CGV member exclusive. They are giving away only TEN tickets. Good thing I packed enough guts to come up on stage and volunteer for public humiliation.

To make the story short, I won the most coveted ticket. Not considering the fact that I rock; I am a huge Will Smith fan and any follower of his should be able to name at least 3 of his well-known flicks shown in Korea for the past two years. I lied about watching Pursuit of Happyness though, which didn't matter much anyway; I got the answers correctly, albeit not in order, and I got to see the movie for free. Yippers!!!

The movie is legitimately entertaining and thought provoking. From the scale of 1 to 10, I give it an undecided 7. Although I immensely enjoyed seeing hot-in-sweatsuit-gun-yielding Smith, I still think there should be something more. Maybe because I was expecting for more action packed scenes? Or was it the ending? Was I asking too much for a free movie?

Smith is literally the only actor for the most part of the film (if you're not going to count the dog and the creepy creatures as actors). Yet, he totally carried the entire epic all by himself.

In a nutshell, "I am Legend" is a must see this coming holidays. It will make you think what life would be like without your loved ones...

Will you survive when you're the only one left on the face of the planet?