If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairytales are full of shit
One more fuckin' love song I'll be sick
~ Maroon 5
Korean boss commissioned me to create playlets for the new fairy tale hand puppets the third graders will be using this semester. Demanded that I make the dialogues very interesting.
Yeah, sure Boss! Consider that done!
ACT 1, SCENE 1
CINDERELLA checks herself in the MIRROR. SNOW WHITE eyes her enviously. It's a known fact that they have history.
[SLEEPING BEAUTY dozes off in the corner]
CINDERELLA: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the hottest of them all?
MIRROR: [Completely astounded at such atrocious language, chokes himself]
Water. I need water.
SNOW WHITE: [While giving Mirror a Heimlich Maneuver]
You know Cindee, that pale blue gown is so not you.
CINDERELLA: [Totally annoyed]
Really now. Coming from someone who hangs out with midgets, that faux haute couture critique is so ignored.
SNOW WHITE: [Equally annoyed]
My friends are dwarfs! Not midgets! And quit the attitude! I know you're sleeping with the palace guards!
CINDERELLA: [Sarcastically]
Oh you gossip monger! Like you don't have any filthy little secret, huh?!
SNOW WHITE: [Getting whiter by the minute with anger]
What secret?!!! You social climbing ho!!! You should be ashamed of yourself!!!
CINDERELLA: [Totally losing it]
Don't talk to me like that, Ms. Purity! The whole town knows your affair with the Wood Cutter. Shesshhh! Wood cuttah lovah!
[Before Snow White could strike Cinderella with a hair iron, Sleeping Beauty wakes up]
SLEEPING BEAUTY: [Yawns]
What's with the noise? Someone's trying to sleep here.
CINDERELLA: [Pissed]
Go back to sleep Aurora and don't ever wake up again!
SNOWHITE: [Completely amused now]
And while you're at it, gargle with Pinesol. The last prince who kissed you said your mouth reeks of sewage.
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE: [In total disgust]
Ewwwwwww!!!
SLEEPING BEAUTY: [Falls asleep again]
Commotion by the door, Rapunzel comes in, panting
RAPUNZEL: [Disheveled]
Ladies, can you please do my dreadlocks? I have a party to attend tonight and Mother Gothel is sick.
SNOW WHITE: [Eyes glitters with madness]
Why don't I give you a mohawk instead? You need an edgy look, babe.
CINDERELLA: [Excited]
Yeah! Your do is so like last century. Let's give her a Grace Jones look!
Rapunzel scrambles to her feet, runs for dear hair, shoving Princess Fiona aside by the doorway
PRINCESS FIONA: [Bewildered]
What happened to Rapunzel?
CINDERELLA: [Gets annoyed again at the sight of Fiona]
What do you want, Ogress?
FIONA: [Ignores Cinderella's acerbic tone]
I'm looking for my husband, Shrek?
SNOW WHITE: [Sarcastically]
Why search in my castle? Go to that Sher something something forest. He must be drinking with that drunkard Robin again.
CINDERELLA: [Chimes in merrily]
And everyone's wondering why Shrek's tummy is getting bigger? It can't be those fetus Shreks, can't it?
SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA:
[Princesses roll on the floor laughing. Cinderella gives Snow White a high-five]
[Fiona exits silently, muttering something to herself]
FIONA: Bitches. At least my Shrek is a real man. I wonder if those two madwomen know their husbands are sleeping together? Flaming fags. Skanky hoes. What is this world coming to?
[Fiona shakes her head violently all the way to Sherwood forest, where she would catch Shrek making out with Robin Hood.]
THE END.
No kid is ever allowed to read this.
2 comments:
imba. this should be sold to Disney, just for laughs. hahaha.
heheh. thanks! but am saving these for my own version of grim-fairy tales =D
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