Monday, April 22, 2013

5 Awesome Ways to Pretend You're Doing a Great Job!

I've worked for like almost 25 years now. Yeah read that. A couple of decades and a half. I know a hard worker when I see one. And I can tell right off the bat a pretentious-lying-stupid-son-of-a-moron as soon as they open their mouths.

These assuming  turds amaze me so much, I just have to blog about them:

1. You ask them a question about a process and they  give you a blank look. Like for a couple of minutes, wait, count that, a couple of hours. They stand there in front of you, trying to be hip en cool, but actually looking like you just asked them how to create the universe in 5 seconds.

2. You ask a solution about something you emailed a few hours ago, hoping that this person will enlighten  you. She fumbles about her e-mail and tells you, "Sorry, I was so busy sucking my toe in the toilet. And it was so darn hard, I had to spend about half a day figuring out how to reach it without bending over. I mean, if that's not a major dilemma; I don't know what is." The story was so dramatically delivered, you'd offer to solve the problem yourself.

3. They always blabber about their accomplishment, even if it's limited to arranging the  papers in the work station. Awww, come on!  Who can beat that? Seriously!

4. They take credit for just everything under the sun. Dude, don't be surprised when this person starts telling everyone that he's responsible for the creation of post-its. I mean, seriously. Really.

5. They send out a  mass email asking for an action plan about a  matter that has been resolved eons of years ago. "Uhm...we had a meeting about that. And you were there..." Wait, was it really you? Or you sent in your doppelganger while you sneaked out to watch GI Joe! Shame on you!

I could write more. Trust me. It's just I need to go back pretending I'm working hard.

Duh.